Saturday, September 30, 2017

St Christopher was an evil giant who converted from some paganism and then won 40,000 converts before being martyred.

There's so much awesome stuff back in history and folklore. You think you have the best murderhobo backstory? I can guarantee some Catholic Church guy or a weird playwright or something wrote a better backstory for his guy than you have ever heard.

The tl;dr of this post is don't just use Game of Thrones or something for inspiration. Here's an example!


St. Christopher is a saint that is said to have lived during the 3rd century (or early 4th; there is some disagreement on the matter because nobody can decide which Roman Emperor was in charge at the time). The most famous legendary deed attributed to him was kidnapping a baby and trying to take him away by crossing a river. 

Of course the standards of "giants" were much lower in those days: he was only 5 cubits tall. Christopher would be at home at the 5 in the NBA. And probably a backup, because no one has written that he had any significant ups or a decent post-up move. Anyway.

Christopher's birth name was "Reprobus" because he was the world's first reprobate. A real bad dude. He would untuck all the hospital corners on the beds and he didn't brush his teeth after in-between meal snacks.

Anyway, Christopher's one goal in life was to be a henchman.  He wanted to hench for the best.  He visited the local king, but learned that king feared the Devil.  He tracked down the devil and saw something unbelievable: the Devil feared Jesus Christ, so he went to find Jesus. That's when he snatched up the kid. As he crossed the river, the kid got heaver and heavier.  

He put the kid down and he's like, "Damn! You heavy!" and the kid said, "You had the weight of the world on your shoulders, but you took on my burden as well.  I'm Jesus, and you can be my henchman." Then the baby disappeared!

Little did he know that the little tire-biter was Baby Jesus! Hence the name Christopher, which means "Christ-bearer." This fording is why he is the patron saint of both travelers and body surfers. He is also the patron saint of epileptics and fruit vendors, but nobody knows why.  

Lycia in modern-day Turkey, where they did the deed
So Christopher headed to Lycia where his new homeboys were getting martyred by the local king. This king heard Christopher was coming and he needed a center for the state college team, so he tried to get Christopher to come play for his school. He offered Christopher a ton of jack and even hired him two hookers. But Christopher wouldn't sign! Instead he went out and saved his teammates and even converted 40,000 people by himself. A Chamberlain-like feat.

This king was really mad so he ordered all his henchmen out to catch Christopher and kill him. Christopher had a good run. But live by the hench, die by the hench. He was eventually caught and beheaded by that old king of Lycia.

Earlier on I told you the moral of the story is that your backstories are pretty weak. That was not entirely true, and I apologize. The real moral of the story is this: Let your player-character die. Let something kill him! Hopefully it will be something dramatically appropriate. But your character story deserves to have a beginning, middle, and end like the tale of St. Christopher's life.

Even though Christopher died 1700 years ago, his story continues today as a patron saint. This is even more likely to happen in a fantasy game where people can go into the realm of the dead and come back to life and get resurrected and reincarnated and all manner of things like that.






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