I like making up classes. I like making up campaigns. I like making up rule sets; the complicated house rules that we call fantasy heartbreakers. I like all that.
I don't like being the Referee. It is so silly; I feel anxious before. Not nervous, but anxious. Like I need a drug to take the edge off.
Because people make me anxious!
I wish it were not so. I have every tool I need to be an adequate Ref. When I do feel up to reffing, I do a good job and people have fun.
And the older I get the worse it is. I used to be stupidly confident, but now I'm wisely chicken. I wish I was stupid again.
Anxiety makes me tired. It makes me literally start yawning. In the most serious of situations I am anywhere from calm to narcoleptic. When things get boring, I get rambunctious. When things are pleasant or happy, I succumb to anxiety and I want to climb out of my skin.
NOTE TO SELF: talk to your shrink about this crippling anxiety.
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